Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Move/make: Weeks 17 and 18

Weight (as of Tuesday morning): 175.6.

Workouts:
No idea. Not enough, and I didn't keep track. On the plus side, I'm keeping up (barely) with my 10k training schedule. I have to successfully run 55 minutes without stopping this week, but I plan on doing that tomorrow. 

Thoughts on food:
Terrible, until the middle of last week or so. Yesterday (Monday), I started eating healthier than I have in months. The last two weeks, not so much. I don't even remember if I went out or what I ate. I think my weight reflects all this pretty well. I just didn't care.

Overall reflections:
I'm depressed, though I didn't really realize it until this morning. I wrapped up my summer job last week, and am waiting to hear on a fall job. A fall job that comes with its own set of emotions and thoughts to work through (another thing on my to-do list, of course).

I have a long to-do list, no job, and plenty of time to tackle all these things. But I can't bring myself to do any of it. I couldn't even bring myself to keep up with this blog until just now.

Honestly, I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to dig myself out and get back on track. I can't keep up on cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, exercising, job hunting, finances. I overdrew my checking account. I'm late to everything. I can't finish anything, so I don't start much. My usual self-care tricks (taking a day off, running, watching a good TV show) aren't working. I just don't know.

Sometimes, the trick is to stay busy. But sometimes, I can say too busy. I've overbooked myself this summer. I've had weekend after weekend where I had literally five or six places to go in a couple of days. I've never been good at being on time, but I've also just taken on too much. I am not good at finding a balance.

When I finished graduate school, I immediately had to jump into a summer job (and then another summer job). I haven't really processed anything until now. I feel aimless, I've got nothing waiting for me in the fall. I haven't slowed down to think about any of it until now, and it's hitting me hard.

I don't know what to do.

Goals:
I didn't do any of the things from Week 16, of course. Not one.

I said I wanted to move forward in my last post. I haven't.

I'm not sure what my goals for this week will be, other than surviving. I'm letting myself off the hook this time. I'm not making any new goals, adding any more pressure. I just need to get in front of some things in my life. That's all I want. This blog -- this project -- was the one thing that gave me some kind of structure, that encouraged me to take care of myself. And right now? It's not doing that for me. I'm not doing that for me.

I'll try this all again next week.

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