2012/2013

My New Year's resolution is simple: Take better care of myself, so I can take better of others.

Of course, it's not really that simple. It's made up of so many other things. But that's the gist of it. This year, I have some big goals. Some are more tangible than others, but they're all interconnected in that they're about taking care of myself in some way. Because I am much better to be around, and much more able to care for others, if I'm doing OK. There have been many things lately that reminded me how fragile and fleeting life is. I want to make the most of the time I have, with the amazing people in my life.

In 2013, I want to:

• Finish a 5-mile run (I'm running one with a friend in March).
• Finish a half marathon (I've got my eye on a big one in a beautiful place next fall).
• Apply to PhD programs.
• Pay off my credit card and start saving again (nearly there, finally). 
• Eat better, and finally lay off Diet Coke. I'm sticking with not eating meat, but I need to get way better about eating vegetables.
• Make time for the people who sustain me. I am so, so lucky to have many wonderful, inspiring people in my life. But in my quest to see everyone equally and regularly, I often miss out on spending more time with people like my mother, my roommate, my best friend, or my boyfriend -- people that hold an extra-special place in my heart. Don't get me wrong -- I care about everyone in my life, dearly -- but there are some people I know I won't see as often soon (my roommate), and who I owe so much of my happiness to (my mom, boyfriend, etc.). 
• Make more time for reading, writing, studying, and general mental health care. 

That's it. I'm trying to keep things (relatively) simple, and just be kind to myself.  It's something I've never been good at but, dammit, 2012 was a great year. I worked hard. I need to remember that.

After all, in 2012, I:

• Finished graduate school.
• Taught and tutored writing to college freshmen.
• Taught writing to high school students, my most difficult and rewarding job yet.
• Realized that I could never do anything else, really, but teach. 
• Decided to go on for a doctorate.
• Ran several 5Ks, setting my best time yet. 
• Discovered how much I like biking, spin class, and setting out for long summer rides on my own.
• Learned, finally, how to be alone.
• Learned how to be together.
• Spent time with many loved ones. 
• Started dating a kind, brilliant, generous and gentle person, who floors me every day with how good he is.
• Saw my sister renew her wedding vows.
• Visited beautiful parks, lakes and rivers in Illinois, Wisconsin and Arkansas.
• Saw some of my favorite bands and musicians, like Deer Tick, Reigning Sound, Sebadoh, Mike Watt, Hayes Carll and Lucero. 
• Presented papers at two conferences. 
• Gave up meat. 
• Grew up.

2012 was a hell of a wonderful year. Here's to 2013, and the big, intimidating, and exciting things it holds.  

Think/act: Being thankful

November is nearly over, and since I've seen many people make a list of the things they are thankful for, I thought I'd make one of my own. I try to show gratitude and find the beauty in things every day, but I sometimes get bogged down in work/life. I thought this would be a good way to reflect on the things that matter most. Plus, it gives me an excuse to make a list. I love lists.

Right now, I am thankful for:

1. My loved ones. Whether it's family or friends, people I've known for years or only a short time, they are the foundation of who I am. I am lucky enough to know some beautiful and talented people who constantly inspire me. As Chris McCandless once realized (in what is probably the most heartbreaking revelation of the whole book), "happiness is only real when shared."

2. My health. I don't have health insurance, and I am so thankful that the few health problems I've had are manageable and don't currently require any doctor visits.

3. My boyfriend. His infinite patience and gentle spirit floor me. He is a constant reminder that life is incredible right now, and that it's OK to slow down enough to appreciate it.

4. My roommate. I'm certain he's the sole reason I survived grad school and my exams. His deranged sense of humor matches my own to a T, and his endless intelligence always drives me to pursue my own academic goals. 

5. Running. I can say, without a doubt, that it has changed my life. It's changed the way I think about my own body, and about my strength. It's helped me learn to mediate. It's helped me learn to push myself farther than I ever though possible. It's helped me appreciate who I am and who I can become. I've written about my relationship to running many, many times here, so I won't go on.

6. Spin class/cycling. I never though I'd like anything as much as I like running, but spin class/long-distance cycling are close. I feel strong in a different way, and the teachers I've had have been so encouraging.

7. My cat. And really, all animals. They've taught me humility and compassion, and remind me that I am not the center of the universe. 

8. My music/vinyl. Besides running and good people, there's nothing that makes me happier than a good record. Last weekend, I was lucky enough to snag a limited-edition copy of Joe Strummer's final performance in 2002. Listening to it reminds me of how important music was to me in high school -- and how important, though in a different sense, music is to me now.

9. Feminism. Without feminism/women's studies, I know I would not be who I am now. Feminism completely changed the way I see the world. It's changed the way I view politics, gender roles, power dynamics, race, sexuality, and so much more. And, as I continue to learn more about feminist theory, I hope to continue to become more progressive and inclusive in my own beliefs.

10. Literature. It's tied with music, without a doubt. Reading is my oldest and dearest hobby. Like feminism, it's affected the way I see the world and people different from me. And the best books and short stories push me to keep working at my own writing.

11. Grace and forgiveness of others. Without that, I'd be alone. I'm flawed and stubborn, but my loved ones forgive me and love me anyway. I might be more thankful for that than for anything else.

Week 9: Move/make

Today's weight: 174.0 pounds.

Workouts:
Monday: Off
Tuesday: Spin class (1 hour)
Wednesday: Off
Thursday: Ran 40 minutes
Friday through Sunday: Off

Thoughts on food:
Survived my first vegetarian Thanksgiving. Was able to find plenty to eat and, more importantly, got to spend several meals with loved ones. I can't think of a better way to eat.

Overall reflections:
For only getting two workouts in last week, I'm feeling all right. The holidays were relaxing and fun, and exactly what I needed after a rough week at work. Last week, I saw my best friend's new baby, and spent some quality time with my favorite people. Everything else just doesn't matter right now.

I read a blog post last week about letting yourself eat at Thanksgiving, and it resonated with me. I've always found those articles on "how to stay healthy over the holidays" and "the right foods to eat to stay on track at Thanksgiving"  ridiculous. It's one or two days of special meals, tops. Their tone of constant-vigilance is exhausting. If you gain a pound or two, who cares? It's not the end of the world. I'd rather enjoy myself and my family's excellent cooking, and worry about eating healthy and working out on the 360 days of the year that are not meal-based holidays. It also frustrates me that they are always geared toward women. If you're healthy, and your family and friends are healthy, isn't that enough?

So, as far as last week goes, I'm not feeling guilty at all.

Goals:
Even though I'm not feeling guilty, I do like working out, and I feel good when I do it often. So, for this week, I want to:

• Work out four times. 
• Check out a yoga class (if it fits my work schedule).
• Cook two meals.
• Reflect on what I'm thankful for.