March 4-10

Today's weight: 174.6 pounds

Workouts:
Monday: Ran 5K, abs and back
Tuesday: Elliptical for 5K
Wednesday: Upper body/abs for 30 minutes
Thursday: Off
Friday: Off
Saturday: Ran 5K
Sunday: Ran 5K

This was a week of firsts. The first time I fit in five workouts since the new year (or longer). The first time I ran outside since October. The first time I signed up for a 10K (though I'd started training for one before, but got hurt before I could even sign up).

Running outside was exactly what I needed. I haven't been to the gym since Tuesday. Even in the dreary, cold mist, it felt good. I needed some fresh air. I've felt cooped up. This helped.

I made myself a 10K training guide, adapted from this. Tonight will be the first workout. It's ten weeks long, and it has three days of running, three days of strength-training, and two days of cross-training each week. I'm hoping this is what it will take to do the things I want to do but haven't made myself do (run more than 5 miles, lift weights, etc.). I used a training guide to run my first 5K. I don't know why I didn't think of this a long time ago.

While making the 10K plan, I realized the other day that running has been a lesson in patience. I am not a patient person, ever. But running -- something I've been working at for two years -- has taught me how to persist, how to practice, how to be deliberate. Nothing else has (except, maybe, for grad school). I've spent two years trying to whittle down my mile time, two years trying to build endurance. I'm excited for what this third year holds.

2012/2013

My New Year's resolution is simple: Take better care of myself, so I can take better of others.

Of course, it's not really that simple. It's made up of so many other things. But that's the gist of it. This year, I have some big goals. Some are more tangible than others, but they're all interconnected in that they're about taking care of myself in some way. Because I am much better to be around, and much more able to care for others, if I'm doing OK. There have been many things lately that reminded me how fragile and fleeting life is. I want to make the most of the time I have, with the amazing people in my life.

In 2013, I want to:

• Finish a 5-mile run (I'm running one with a friend in March).
• Finish a half marathon (I've got my eye on a big one in a beautiful place next fall).
• Apply to PhD programs.
• Pay off my credit card and start saving again (nearly there, finally). 
• Eat better, and finally lay off Diet Coke. I'm sticking with not eating meat, but I need to get way better about eating vegetables.
• Make time for the people who sustain me. I am so, so lucky to have many wonderful, inspiring people in my life. But in my quest to see everyone equally and regularly, I often miss out on spending more time with people like my mother, my roommate, my best friend, or my boyfriend -- people that hold an extra-special place in my heart. Don't get me wrong -- I care about everyone in my life, dearly -- but there are some people I know I won't see as often soon (my roommate), and who I owe so much of my happiness to (my mom, boyfriend, etc.). 
• Make more time for reading, writing, studying, and general mental health care. 

That's it. I'm trying to keep things (relatively) simple, and just be kind to myself.  It's something I've never been good at but, dammit, 2012 was a great year. I worked hard. I need to remember that.

After all, in 2012, I:

• Finished graduate school.
• Taught and tutored writing to college freshmen.
• Taught writing to high school students, my most difficult and rewarding job yet.
• Realized that I could never do anything else, really, but teach. 
• Decided to go on for a doctorate.
• Ran several 5Ks, setting my best time yet. 
• Discovered how much I like biking, spin class, and setting out for long summer rides on my own.
• Learned, finally, how to be alone.
• Learned how to be together.
• Spent time with many loved ones. 
• Started dating a kind, brilliant, generous and gentle person, who floors me every day with how good he is.
• Saw my sister renew her wedding vows.
• Visited beautiful parks, lakes and rivers in Illinois, Wisconsin and Arkansas.
• Saw some of my favorite bands and musicians, like Deer Tick, Reigning Sound, Sebadoh, Mike Watt, Hayes Carll and Lucero. 
• Presented papers at two conferences. 
• Gave up meat. 
• Grew up.

2012 was a hell of a wonderful year. Here's to 2013, and the big, intimidating, and exciting things it holds.  

Summer 2012 Goals

Summer has officially started. It's finally started to sink in that I graduated. Summer classes are starting. It's warm and sunny every day. While running today, I realized that I have a lot of things I want to accomplish this summer.

Within this past month, I have already accomplished a lot. I graduated with a master's degree. I trained for and started a grueling new job. I interviewed and was offered a different job. I quit that first job. I started running again. I started long-distance biking. I've been meat-free for exactly six months. I've done a lot, and it feels pretty damn good. 

But, of course, there's so much more I want to do.

In May, I made a list of my life goals, but those are very long-term. I want to gather together my goals for this summer, get them all in one place, and hold myself accountable. Some things have to get done, some things should get done, and some things would make my life more enjoyable if I did them.

I plan on checking in with myself throughout the summer, to see how I'm doing (and making adjustments to these goals as necessary).

Fitness:

• Make sure my workouts are varied -- I need to make swimming, biking, and weight-training priorities this summer.
• Sign up for and complete a 5K, a 10K, and a 50-mile bike ride.
• Get my weight into the 160s.

Work/academics:

• Edit and send out an article (that I've been sitting on for months) for publication.
• Finish putting together my CV.
• Find steady teaching jobs for the fall.

Everything else:

• If I don't end up working a second job this summer, I'll have a lot of free time in August. I want to use that to plan at least one substantial (but cheap) trip, either camping somewhere around here or going to visit my sister.
• Pay off my credit card.
• Read at least 10 books.
• Work on my quote journal.
• Get another tattoo (I have an idea for a small and larger one, depending on how much I can afford).

It's going to be one hell of a summer, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm excited to see how much of this I'll be able to accomplish -- ideally, all of it!

Life Goals

An ever-changing list of my life goals:

• Hike/trail run in the Ozarks. 
• Hike/trail run in Washington or Oregon. 
• Run the Big Sur Half Marathon.
• Learn to play the banjo.
• Bike 100 miles in one trip. 
• Find a job that allows me to combine teaching, tutoring and feminist theory. 
• Get published.
• Get a Ph.D.
• Volunteer regularly at an animal shelter.
• Volunteer or work for a women's shelter or Planned Parenthood.

And, no less important, the things that will always be ongoing:

• Find the beauty in something, big or small, every day. 
• Give back more than I take. 
• Show gratitude to the people who love and take care of me. 
• Be honest.
• Work hard.

Move/make: Getting started

First, the number:

My roommate's scale says I am 184.8 pounds.

When I weighed myself this afternoon, that number startled me. I gave up meat and diet soda, and have been running off-and-on since before the new year. Why isn't it lower? Is the scale broken?

I truly believe that your appearance and weight doesn't define you -- and yet, given that number, it's easier said than done. But I want to be honest. What's the point of lying to myself? I'm almost 185 pounds, yes, and at 5'7", that number is probably higher than it should be. But I'm still the same person as I was 10 or 20 pounds ago. I survived my comprehensive exams -- the hardest thing I've had to do in my academic career. I have a great roommate, amazing friends, and a wonderful family. I'm otherwise physically healthy, and I'm proud of how strong my legs are after running for the last few months.

I have to remember: It's just a number.

So, why bother? I want a baseline. I'm training for a 5K this April, and hope to continue running longer races throughout the summer. I know that I can't put too much stock in what the scale reads. I'll be building a lot of muscle, so I'll have to go primarily on how I feel and how my clothes fit. But at least I know where I'm starting from.

And now you do, too. Which might be the most difficult thing -- putting that number out there. But maybe the less I hide it from myself and others, the less shameful it will be.