Think/act: Letting go

I haven't kept up on things. Blog things. Fitness things. Food things. A lot of things.

But this is about letting go. And not making excuses the whole way. Not looking back.

I've been tightly-wound my entire life. My mom loves to tell the story of an infant-me, stacking my blocks again and again, throwing a tantrum if the stack wasn't perfect. For anyone who knows me, it makes sense. The thing is, that compulsion has been my worst enemy, but it's also gotten me through some difficult times.

So, it's not about letting go of that part of myself entirely. What I want to do is learn to let go of the things that don't matter, to make sure my compulsions serve a purpose beyond make-work. I want to channel my relentlessness into the important things only. Do I really need to tackle cleaning the apartment with as much zest as I did my last semester of school? Of course not.

In other words, I'll never stop making to-do lists, but I want them to be less overwhelming, more enjoyable. I want to live my life with intention. I want to spend time on the things that matter and spend less time on the things that don't. I don't want to over-complicate needlessly, get myself overwhelmed before I've even began.

I'm writing this now because I'm at a strange time in my life. Grad school is behind me (for now). I'm not teaching this year (and I have mixed feelings on what I'm doing instead). I'm in a serious and good and important relationship. Real "adulthood," it feels like, is finally here. That's OK with me (most of the time). But I want to make sure I'm spending my soon-to-be limited time on what's important. I've frittered away a month of unemployment doing absolutely nothing. I needed it.

But now it's time to shake off my weird malaise about Change, and move forward.

I've been thinking this past month about what's really important to me, and this is what I want to focus on:

• Relationships. My schedule this summer let me spend time with loved ones in a way I've never been able to before. I've always known how important my friends and family were to me, but this summer showed me how sustaining something like a weekly "date" with my best friend can be.
• Solitude. I suppose it seems counter-intuitive, given the last point, but I also realize how important it is to take care of myself and spend time alone. There were weeks this summer where I was barely home. I missed my cat, my roommate, and my own time. I want to have a better balance.
• Creativity. I want to get better at writing. I've never pushed myself too hard -- I constantly refine old pieces, but they still all sound the same. I've got a style, but I don't work that hard at it. I need to kill my darlings. But even if it's not writing, I need to do something to channel my energies that grad school usually absorbed -- whether it's making things, writing down my thoughts, debating politics. I need to keep myself mentally entertained.
• Health. I had a pretty successful summer, in terms of health. But there were also some rough patches. My poor eating habits caught up to me, and I'm sick in about five different ways. I'm currently on a work-out hiatus thanks to some heavy-duty medication that gives me joint pain, double vision, and the risk of blowing out my tendons. As soon as I'm able to work out again, I plan on going at it with a renewed energy. I want to. Especially because, in two days, I won't have any health insurance.

I guess it's that simple. It's never that simple, of course, but I like distilling things to their basic ideas. It makes it easier for me to remember what's important.

And to let go of the rest.

Move/make: Week 4

Weight (as of Wednesday evening): 184.0.

Workouts:
Monday: Off day
Tuesday: Off day
Wednesday: Walk 2 miles
Thursday: Walk 2.5 miles, run 35 minutes
Friday: Run 50 minutes
Saturday: Off day
Sunday: Off day

Thoughts on food:
Things still haven't been great. I went to a two-day conference that had excellent, if not rich, food. I ate way too much of it. My eating habits at home have been pretty shoddy -- case in point: tonight I had Diet Coke and gummy candy for dinner. I feel miserable. I'm bloated.

Overall reflections:
I normally weigh-in on Sunday mornings. I have to admit, this number was disheartening. I thought about not writing at all, but I want to be honest with myself. I've been tired. I pinched a nerve in my foot, so I've been trying not to run on it, but I've also been unmotivated to go to the gym and do low-impact workouts in the mean time. Seeing my weight and the few workouts I managed to do makes me realize that I felt so much better when I first started this blog, and was working out nearly every day.

I had a great, relaxing time at the conference I attended last week, which helped pick up my spirits. But I also barely finished everything I needed to, and as a result, my workouts and eating were not the best. I did get great feedback at both my conference and my teaching observation. I also got great reviews from the students I tutor. So, at least professionally, things have been going well. I had someone important me hurt me in a pretty serious way last weekend, though, which also threw me for a loop. I'm still recovering.

Goals:
Now that I'm more caught up with grading and work, I want to get back on track. Like last week, I don't feel well, physically or mentally. I've also learned I'm bad at following through with vague goals, so here are some specific ones for what remains of this week:

- Go to the gym or for a bike ride Thursday and Friday
- Go for a long bike ride with a friend Saturday
- Go for a run with a friend on Sunday
- Have a protein shake and/or vegetarian sandwich each day for at least one meal, if not two

I'm also training for a 10K this May, so I need to see a doctor about my foot either Thursday or Friday.

We'll see how I do come Sunday. This time of the semester is always insane -- even more so because I'm graduating. But I have to take care of myself, especially considering how poorly I've been feeling lately.

I have to remember how good it feels to work out and eat well. I was feeling wonderful when I started the blog. I know there will be good and bad weeks. I know I have to move forward, to let go of the things that exhausted me last week and this week.

Think/act: Changes

Last weekend, I was walking back from dinner with a friend, and she asked, "How are you doing out here by yourself?"

Answering her question made me realize just how much my life has changed in the last year. I suppose I've realized things here and there, but adding everything up and seeing it in front of me was surprising.

Last summer, I broke up with someone I had been with for nearly five years. At first, I was devastated and angry. Things didn't end on the best of terms. They were messy. He had moved to another state. And after several exhausting months of still talking and thinking about working things out, we officially parted ways. I didn't cry. I unfriended him on Facebook. I ran twice as far as I ever had before.

I originally started running when my then-boyfriend first moved out of state. I had been meaning to get in shape. My desk job had taken its toll. Running kept me from being as lonely and sad as I first was. But after we stopped speaking to each other all together, I realized that those months of in-between had been holding me back, physically and mentally.

After we broke up, I also quit a job that I had been unhappy with for a long time. I switched careers. I starting teaching and tutoring for the first-year writing program at my university. I wouldn't trade my job for anything.

After we broke up, I also realized I needed a roommate. I ended up living with a fellow English major. He was originally a friend of a friend, but he's become one of my favorite people here. Now, I wouldn't trade that for anything, either.

I've gone on dates, reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and met some amazing people, including many of my students. I gave up meat and fast food. I started biking to work. I've learned so much about teaching, tutoring and feminism. I can honestly say I am happy. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety for more than a decade, this is the most content and settled I've felt in a very long time. I've worked hard to become healthier, more conscientious, and more appreciative of the things in life that are good. It's an ongoing process, but I am much happier to be the person I am now. I feel more like myself.

Being by myself has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I know what I'm capable of. I know how strong I can be. I don't want to give credit to a person I no longer respect or care for. Instead, I think I'll take the credit. The breakup might have been the catalyst for much of this change, but I was the one who did all the hard work. I usually hate to brag, but I feel pretty damn proud of myself right now.