Move/make: Weeks 17 and 18

Weight (as of Tuesday morning): 175.6.

Workouts:
No idea. Not enough, and I didn't keep track. On the plus side, I'm keeping up (barely) with my 10k training schedule. I have to successfully run 55 minutes without stopping this week, but I plan on doing that tomorrow. 

Thoughts on food:
Terrible, until the middle of last week or so. Yesterday (Monday), I started eating healthier than I have in months. The last two weeks, not so much. I don't even remember if I went out or what I ate. I think my weight reflects all this pretty well. I just didn't care.

Overall reflections:
I'm depressed, though I didn't really realize it until this morning. I wrapped up my summer job last week, and am waiting to hear on a fall job. A fall job that comes with its own set of emotions and thoughts to work through (another thing on my to-do list, of course).

I have a long to-do list, no job, and plenty of time to tackle all these things. But I can't bring myself to do any of it. I couldn't even bring myself to keep up with this blog until just now.

Honestly, I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to dig myself out and get back on track. I can't keep up on cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, exercising, job hunting, finances. I overdrew my checking account. I'm late to everything. I can't finish anything, so I don't start much. My usual self-care tricks (taking a day off, running, watching a good TV show) aren't working. I just don't know.

Sometimes, the trick is to stay busy. But sometimes, I can say too busy. I've overbooked myself this summer. I've had weekend after weekend where I had literally five or six places to go in a couple of days. I've never been good at being on time, but I've also just taken on too much. I am not good at finding a balance.

When I finished graduate school, I immediately had to jump into a summer job (and then another summer job). I haven't really processed anything until now. I feel aimless, I've got nothing waiting for me in the fall. I haven't slowed down to think about any of it until now, and it's hitting me hard.

I don't know what to do.

Goals:
I didn't do any of the things from Week 16, of course. Not one.

I said I wanted to move forward in my last post. I haven't.

I'm not sure what my goals for this week will be, other than surviving. I'm letting myself off the hook this time. I'm not making any new goals, adding any more pressure. I just need to get in front of some things in my life. That's all I want. This blog -- this project -- was the one thing that gave me some kind of structure, that encouraged me to take care of myself. And right now? It's not doing that for me. I'm not doing that for me.

I'll try this all again next week.

Think/act: The volume of the soul

“You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe-size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress. You are no amalgam of these things.

You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.”

______

Always relevant. Though the sentiment applies to anyone, no matter how they identify.

Original source unknown. 

Move/make: Week 16

Weight (as of Monday morning): 171.8 pounds. 

Workouts:
Monday: Biked 20 miles
Tuesday: Ran 45 minutes
Wednesday: Ran 40 minutes
Thursday: Off
Friday: Hiked 30 minutes
Saturday: Off
Sunday: Ran 45 minutes 

Thoughts on food:
Still eating gradually healthier. I am trying to swap out Diet Coke for iced chai and Arnold Palmers. So far, I've made it one day without soda. Not that all the sugar in chai and iced tea/lemonade is healthy. It just seems better than the toxic chemicals in soda.

Otherwise, my eating has been pretty unbalanced. Not junk food, per se, but a lot of cheese, crackers, soy milk and strawberries. Not exactly healthy. I have no energy, and I'm training for a 10K at the end of August. Go figure. 

Overall reflections:
There are parts of my life that are very, very good right now. But I also have a huge mental block about two things in my life: eating/cooking, and finding a job for the fall. Those two things are really sapping my energy. And, of course, I need energy to overcome those speed bumps.

Running, as always, has been keeping me relatively calm and happy. We've had heat wave after heat wave, but I've been managing to keep going. 

Goals:
Given how I've been feeling, I owe it to myself to actually make good on some goals this week:

• Do something other than running. Go to the gym and swim or lift weights at least once. It will keep me from burning out before the 10K.
• Find two easy dishes to make for meals this week.
• Go grocery shopping and make those meals.
• Apply for jobs.

If I can do those four things, I'll be tremendously happy. And it will make my busy weekends feel better, because I won't have those things hanging over me. I owe it to my own mental health.

A bonus if I can finally get down below 170 pounds, but I'm not going to stress it. I need to start eating better, once and for all, first and foremost.

I'd like this week to be the last week I have to keep writing the same list of goals. I want to move forward!